Below she pays a personal tribute
to a remarkable man. The others who died on that day were:
Squadron Leader Patrick Marshall, RAF, Flight
Lieutenant David Stead, AFC RAF, Flight
Lieutenant Andrew Smith, RAF, Flight
Lieutenant Paul Pardoel, RAF, Master
Engineer Gary Nicholson, Flight
Sergeant Mark Gibson, Chief Technician
Richard Brown, Corporal David
Williams and Lance Corporal Steven Jones. Eight of the 10 men who
died were stationed at RAF Lyneham.
This is Col Knight's memory and letter to Bob. As the second
anniversary of the Hercules XV179 crash in
Iraq approaches, I have tried to find the words for an obituary
for my beloved
fiancé, Bob O'Connor, who lost his life in that crash
on 30th January 2005. I struggled to find the words to express
how I felt as nothing seemed to convey my feelings or show
what kind of man he was.
In the end I wrote him a letter I would like to share with
you and all those who have lost too.
My darling Bob It's two years since you left and it seems
like but a second and millennia all rolled into one. I look
back over this time and so much of the first year is now blurred
and faded. I remember little of the time they sat me down and
told me you had gone, just the overwhelming disbelief and subsequent
numbness. They were wrong of course, those dreadfully sad uniforms,
so wrong, it couldn't be you. You were so strong, so alive
and vital, mine. It couldn't be you.
Two years on, as the shock wears off, I face the harsh reality
of living my life without you. I miss sharing jokes with you,
especially when you roll your eyes in resignation at a particularly
bad one. I miss asking your opinion, the debates, and the laughter.
Even the tears when you would gently wipe my eyes and put my
world right again after some imagined crisis. There are no
crises now my darling, and no one to wipe away the tears. I
miss the dreaming, when we would go to Dovedale on the bike
and plan the future. Camping under the stars - sailing our
boat in the sunshine, sharing and caring and loving. I miss
you when I go shopping, always finding things you had hidden
in the trolley when I wasn't looking, I miss you hindering
me when I tried to put it away. I miss taking the dog out with
you, jumping in puddles and running down the road late at night,
trying to catch the chip shop before it closed because you
fancied chips for supper. I miss you offering to do the washing
up just after I had finished it. Sweetheart, I would do a mountain
of it just to have you here. I miss worrying about you. You
told me not to worry but I said it was like asking me not to
breathe.
I still can't sleep on your side of the bed. I don't sleep
well, I don't want to miss the phone calls from abroad, but
they are not coming now. I turn and half wake and in the darkness
I can hear your soft breathing - just for a moment. I fling
my arms out toward you in the night to pull you in close but
you're not there and the bed is cold. It doesn't get better
babe, it really doesn't.
I get so tired of always having a smile on my face and putting
on a show for the world, people expect you to move on, but
sweetheart I find it so hard and then, when I close the doors
at night and I'm on my own again, the long evening stretches
out and all the misery held at bay during the day comes and
joins me.
I remember when I used to say you were my unsung hero.
You used to laugh at me but you knew I meant it. I still
do. I
have so much pride in you, you were the bravest man I knew.
You could have walked away from the mess abroad, you could
have done a different, less dangerous role, but that wasn't
in your nature. You had so much respect for those guys, there
is no way you would have left them. You cared about them and
this country so much and yet you still made me feel so cherished.
You told me frequently that I was the most important thing
in your world.
You always rang when you landed and came home straight
away even though it took over two hours and often you would
not
arrive home until 5 in the morning. I always waited up for
you and raced into your arms as you got out of the car. How
often would you hold me as if you would never let me go before
I could coax you inside. I could not stop looking at you, you
were so beautiful and I can still feel your skin under my fingertips
as I touch your photo. The smell of your skin, the touch of
your hand, your kindness and gentleness. Your patience. That
first night home we would finally crawl into bed and as I rapped
you in my arms you would murmur "safe now".
We would
have been married 16 weeks after you left my darling. I celebrated
it at the Chapel with Padre. I shall go again
on our anniversary as I did last year. In the Arboretum I
lay flowers at your tree and leave food for the birds so that
you
are never alone. You loved birds. I have bird feeders by
the window and I watch the robins and blue tits and know how
much
you would have loved them too.
I have to admit that I have never been back to the restaurant
where we planned our wedding. I have climbed so many mountains
but that is one that beats me. It was such a good night, the
food, the wine, the planning, you. The candlelight played on
your face and there was so much love in your eyes. Such good
memories.
You always knew how much I loved you. I want you to know I
love you more and more each day. Everything that you were lives
on through the memories you left behind, the love we shared,
the wisdom you gave to our boys, the laughter you shared with
our friends, the bravery and courage you showed at all times
in your work.
I don't dwell on those last moments my darling, it's too painful
and they are over now. At last you are safe, for ever. All
that matters is that just before you left, I had the chance
to tell you how much I loved you and you went safe in that
knowledge.
God bless you my darling. Sleep well Col |
